Happy Mother's Day!

We had a very laid back day, it was a blessing. The girls and I went to see Hannah Montana the movie the night before and had a blast!!!!! Then Sunday morning we played hookie from church and went to Berry- just the 3 of us. We took a bible and our journals and talked about all that God created, and how we still can be in love with the world....and what that looks like. We prayed, then they rode bikes while I ran. IT was tender. A favorite memory for me.

After Berry, we needed to go to Kroger. As we were loading our groceries in our car, Camille knocked her elbow on our cart. She whinned a little, but no biggie. Next thing I know she PASSED OUT!!!!!!! Fell right over. Hit the car next to us, and was limp. OH MY WORD. TALK ABOUT A FREAK OUT!

She came to about 10 seconds later. Cried. But all was well. Come to find out that there is a nerve in our elbow that can be triggered and will make us pass out. WHAT IN THE WORLD?

Praise Jesus, she is ok. So, on Mother's Day, I was reminded that every healthy moment is a gift. That at any second, our lives can take a turn. I am stopping myself from all of the "what ifs" that I could ask about this. So right now, I want to say THANK YOU to God for the precious gift of three beautiful, healthy children. They are the true gems in my life. THey have each changed me, each made me stronger, each made me softer. IT is a puzzle....motherhood, it is the hardest, emotional and PHYSICAL thing I've ever done. Oh, how much HE must love me to bless me so.

Happy Mother's Day!

Day 6....LOVE IS NOT IRRITABLE

Are you sure?

This day talks about what stresses us out....mainly, our schedules. It asks me to modify things in my schedule that add stress to my marriage.....another hard one.
So little of what I do is what adds stress. It is Bill's schedule.

BUT. Here I go. My main thing is workingout early in the am. I leave the house at 5:15. So I am a bedtime natzi. And sometimes the kids wake up before I get home at 6:30 and Bill's head is spinning. IT is truely the only time I can consistantly go, and it is only 2x a week. It helps me mentally and Bill DOES appreciate the outcome. I am just going to have to ask him what he wants to do.

I am worried about his answer. I already feel irritable.

Day 5 LOVE IS NOT RUDE.

This one took me a while. Oh Lord, I know you must have chuckled at my slowness on this one. When two people are struggling, it is hard to eat humble pie and ask 3 things that irritate them about you. Really, really hard.

I did it on Sunday as we (no kids) were driving home from Fla. We had had a great weekend, fun wedding and a break from mommy and daddy responsibilities. And it went so smoothly, that I don't even remember what he said!!!!

It was stuff I already knew....home pressure stuff. But it was ok. We got through it without a fight. God, you were completely all over that one!

Born to be Wild!

Today Camille was out of sorts from the moment she woke up. Whinny. Didn't want to go to school. Wouldn't get dressed. blah. blah. blah. FInally I had to start crackin' the whip.....hurry up!!!!! I told her to quit acting so wild and get going.

She ran and hid in her closet. And cried and yelled. OH the drama! I went in her room, opened her closet door and before I could say a word she said, "Mommy! I can't help this. I was born to be WILD!"

I had to turn my face. I almost laughed straight at her. HILARIOUS. She doesn't even know there is a song to sing along to now!

Oh, mommyhood. I believe God throws that stuff in just when we are at the brim of losing it. HE really does have a sense of humor!

Day 3....Love is not selfish.....

I had to take the weekend off bec I was out of town. So Monday started with Love is not selfish....and I let it carry on into Tuesday. It is really funny. Tues was Bill's bday. I woke up at 5:30am to excercise....this ungodly hour bec I never want to have to ask Bill to come home to watch kids so I can go....as well as....if I don't go, I will blow up! Anyway, I am ALWAYS very quiet. But this am I apparantly woke Bill up, and then as soon as I left, the kids got up, so he got no "sleep in." I didn't realize this until later in the morning.
When I got home at 6:30, I heard the baby, so I quickly went and got him. I heard the girls so I told them to keep it down. I felt so proud that I had gotten everyone quieted down so that Bill could sleep in on his bday. When we got him up at 7:20, we had decorated, made him a small little bfast and just loved all over him. He seemed fine.
Then I returned home from taking the girls to school.
He let me have it. Clapped "at" me saying, "thanks. I would have thought this would be a special morning because it was my bday." He complained and complained. And dadgum, this stupid dare required me to just "be quiet." It is so hard to do this on someone of such UNBELIEVABLE selfishness.
Oh, I know I have my selfish motives too. I know, I know. Not perfect. All that stuff. But how do I do this? He is miserable MOST of the time. He desires the opposite of what I desire. We are at a point of complete opposites.
I so want peace. For him. For me. FOR US. For our kids. IT IS NOT HERE. Everyone of us is walking on egg shells. It is hard to ALWAYS have a nervous stomach.
Todays dare requires me to ask him what are 3 things that irratate him about me. ugh. He will NOT spare feelings, I feel certain. God, please give me STRENGTH to hear his words with GRACE...

DAY TWO...Do something kind

Ok, the book says to do something kind ON TOP OF being nice!

My actS of kindness were, letting him sleep in and bringing the trash cans back in from the street. He noticed the sleep in (bec he knew he didn't deserve it!) and then in a moment of weakness, I pointed out the trash. Could'nt help it.

I had ample opportunity to keep my negative comments at bay, and it is really hard. ESPECIALLY when it is HIS selfishness that brings all that up in me.

I went to chicago for the weekend with Charyl and Sarah.....had a blast. Now back to the dare.

CAR

Brooke's first official word. CAR. He says it, then hums the car sound. If he wants to go somewhere, he says car. When I wake him from his afternoon nap, he says car....poor guy, so used to being jerked out of bed to go do something with the girls.

He is a maniac. Everywhere. But the biggest blue eyes and happiest smile in town. He, like his sisters, ROCKS!

DAY ONE....BE NICE

Be nice? Say only nice things to your spouse....well. It makes me laugh seeing that I haven't seen him all day. It is 8:42pm, he is still not home. Fishing with coworker. Then dinner. Which he led me to believe wasn't happening (the dinner part). so, you can imagine how hard it was to hold my tongue to that boy when he called AT dinner time to tell me he wasn't going to be home. I MEAN HARD. I kept having to remind myself of this little dare. This ain't going to be easy.

God, close my mouth when he comes home. EVEN THOUGH HE DESERVES TO HAVE HIS HEAD RIPPED OFF!

Oh yes Father, I am looking for your miracle in this.

Praise you that mom is okay. The spot is nonspreading melanoma. PRAISE YOU JESUS.

If I can make it through this night not freaking out, then I will be interested in tomorrows dare. hmmm

Daring to love.....

Is it normal that I keep looking back to myself 20yrs ago, like a little friend in my brain? If I do somehting great, I think "well, look at you! Who knew?" If I flop, and find myself in my awesome life cryin on the kitchen floor, I think, "well, RFM, look at your Homecoming Queen! She is a total wreck."

My life. amazing. My children. amazing. Not saying it's not. I just feel like I'm living out a lifetime movie half of the time! DADGUM! Friends have died. Friends and family members are sick. Marriages are crunbling. Mine ain't winning an award of excellence anytime soon. It is so hard to be a wife. It truely is. Especially to Bill. whew. He is a HANDFULL!

My kiddos are HIGH ACTION. It's great. It is fun, it is far from perfection at my house.....but the prob is, Bill wants perfection. So, as I watch him discipline my girls FOR EVERYTHING, I watch the way he looks at them as he does it. It is brutal. He is stripping them of self worth day by day. Man, the demons in his head- that he can be so unhappy because laundry is on the floor.

I do not think Im the only voice in this arena.....I've got to figure out how to deal with him so he can FILL hearts instead of DUMP hearts. I believe I am going to start the love dare tomorrow. Oh, I don't want to. But, I feel God calling me to take the first step.....again.

Isn't that how God must feel about me?

I constantly see the lack of God in my girls.....even though they accepted Jesus 2 weeks ago....PRAISE YOU FATHER! I know, we can all see the lack of God in everyone, including ourselves. But for us Moms, I think it is magnified. Watching my 7yr old daughters PRIMP for the "cute" boys in thier classes. Or hearing them sing with that "sexy" sound. Or watching them tear each other apart, then turning and sassing at me so bad I mistake them for me at age 16....it just makes me so sad. So sad that I can not fix them. That mistakes Bill and I are making are forming 2 new humans. I just want to love them like crazy. Offer lots of sweet, fun memories. Teach them. Mold them. Not DESTROY them, so that they end up in therapy at 21, wandering why people ever get married. ugh. It is just so much bigger than me. God, PLEASE guide me and guide them.....I am not worthy of mothering your children....not on my own. I so need you God.

So, I think the voice of my posts for a while will be from a wife doing the love dare, secretely on her husband. Even though tonight I want to punch him in the face!

Dark Clouds

My stomach hurts. My heart is heavy. My brain is foggy.

Mom has a melanoma spot on her shoulder....she feels as though it is contained, but getting info from her is like pulling teeth. She is trying to protect me, I know. But I need facts.

Melanoma. MelaFRICKINnoma. What a HORRIBLE word.
God, I pray for it to be nothing. To be over and done with. Something to be removed, and then we move on. Please God, not my Mom. Not yet. Not now. I beg you, Father, that it is, as the Dr. says, "contained."

Sweeney- going back and forth to MD ANDERSON in TX for surgery, then treatment, far away from home. I so wish MD ANDERSON was in ATL- so we could love on Cabell. How do we love her right now Lord? It makes me so nuts that I have run out of words for her. I am at a loss. ugh. OH GOD! PLEASE HEAL HIM.

Friend in REHAB- enough said.

God, I lift all these burdens up to you. PLEASE Lord, let them ALL be healed.

It's a slow fade......

It is only Wednesday and I have learned my precious friend, M. Sweeney didn't get the results he needed from his last cancer screen....we are left with heavy hearts, hurting knees and helplessness.
One of our friends is now living as a single mom, out of town boyfriend...texted by her x that he is remarrying after dating for 4 weeks...and she is doing it sober for the very first time. She almost died 2 months ago from liver failure. A complete alcoholic....we knew, but didn't know it was that severe. She came home from OUTPATIENT therapy in ATL only 2 weeks ago.
Today she called us to her house. In a dark bedroom, we found our friend curled up crying that she is afraid she will die. She is so depressed. If she drinks anything she will die. And she is scared she will drink. So SHOCKED THAT HER X WOULD MOVE ON. SO QUICKLY. Completely broken. Telling, well, yelling for God to get off of her back. When she just can't see it is HIS back that she needs to turn and climb on....she refuses Him.
That song, it's a slow fade just came on, from the movie "fireproof." It is as if it was written for her. Her life didn't fall apart in a day. It was a slow fade. There was a second glance on an airplane.....led to comprimise. Mommies don't crumble in a day.....families don't crumble in a day..... Her x isn't perfect, but I can't blame him for this....I don't want to blame her....I see beyond the boyfriend to the real problem- alchohol.
But the saddness is brutal. The children. Oh my, those sweet kiddos. Then, as I listen to that song, and look out of my window with my burdened heart, I see my neighbors house whose marriage also ended....slow fade....now his xwife is back in Indiana with their kids. And he misses them. I know they miss him.
Such saddness lurkes. The enemy means to destroy. Our relationships, our families, our health. Praise God He will protect!

School

Honor your husband. hmmmmmm. This has always been a thorn for me, not in all areas, but when I see honoring my husband doesn't go along with MY plans, I struggle.
Right now we are considering changing schools. We love Darlington. We both have amazing memories and thankful hearts for our experiences there. Mine for only one year. The school played a big part in redirecting my path. The right way.
And to say Bill bleeds purple is an understatement! We love Darlington!
The past couple of years we have had struggles there, struggles that to some are no big deal, but to me, they are HUGE deals. And it all revolves around God. Where is God at Darlington? Well, He is on the "side," if that. He is not the head of the school, He has to step aside for other beliefs to have thier say as well. Equal to Him. And that sentence alone is what is making my heart so heavy. Any time God gets, it is only equal to buddah, allah or whoever else in the world people worship. And my sweet husband, isn't ready to pull the trigger on a move to Unity until Unity "looks" like Darlington. And I get that, God knows I struggle with that in my own heart. But I am sick, can't shake it, and believe it is God knocking on the door of my heart, saying, "Cammie, Gracie and Camille are not safe there. They are chosen by Me. They need Me all the time. They don't need worldliness reinforced 100% of the time."
So, what do I do about Bill? About my own insecurities? About MY GIRLS? They are 7. They are my loves. They are already consumed with "girl drama," been called "sexy," told what the middle finger means, yell at each other, at me, want to hurt each other, do not understand forgiveness......etc, etc, etc. I by no means believe it is a schools responsibility to fix all of this in a child. It is mine and Bills ultimately. But we are FAILING. I need my values reinforced in math. I need them to see God in history. To appreciate science as their Heavenly Father does, not hang it on mans shoulders....giving man credit for miracles. I want them to see that prayer isn't just for the ride to school, meal times and bed time. That it is a part of who they are. It is why they were created. So that whatever book they choose in library they know that prayer was involved. That the librarian loves them as a child of God. Not rated on how well they read.
It is so much. I know I could manipulate Bill in this. There are things I could do to make sure we go to Unity next year. But do I do that? I mean, it is for God, right? Or is God speaking to me through Bill? Are we to stay at Dar? To be a beacon of light? WHAT DO WE DO?
For now, Father, please speak through my husband. Please help him understand Your realness, and give him a passion to know you in and out, so that he will make the best decision for our kids. I know you love them more than we do!

Brooke

This little man is growing and changing so fast. He is a complete joy to my soul. He is happy. He lights up when he sees me or Bill....or Blanca, Katey, Brooke, mom or Rob. He points at you, then leans in for you to pick him up. He will study my face...pointing to my lips, my eyes. Then, with a great big, open mouth, he leans in for a kiss. Ohhhhhhhhh! I love it so much.
He isn't a "walker" yet, but has taken 4-5 steps. He is just in too much of a hurry to try. He is fine with crawling at insanely fast speeds. He is into everything. Opening cabinets, pulling out the newspaper, looking at sockets, and wanting his paws all over anything in Gracie and Camille's rooms. About them. They are the worlds best big sisters.

They get in the pack and play and play with him. They talk to him, watch him, take harmful objects out of his way, prevent him from going up stairs, etc. He completely lives for them. I mean, he really loves Bill and me, but we don't hold a candle to his sisters. OH GOD, I AM SO THANKFUL.

If the girls go upstairs to play the Wii, he just cries and cries for me to take him too- he likes to go to the playroom, and sit in a little bear chair of the girls and hop around in it! He also likes their little pink chairs! Man, we really need to get him some of his own stuff!

Brookie just is peaceful and fun. Curious and loving. His smile lights up a room. His mimicks make us laugh, the way he snuggles down with his "lovie", sucks his thumb and goes straight to sleep makes me cry. A true little angel. Thank you God, for sending him to this family.....we are very thankful. We have been blessed.

My head hurts

There are times that life seems so unreal, so stinkin NOT REAL, that your head hurts. My step brother, who I was certainly estranged from, died today. He was 39. Heart attack. There was so much crap, so much I tried to forget about. So much that still hurts. So much that remains on my "every day" recording I play in my brain.

But he died today. How should I feel? No matter how I should feel, I fell to my knees, and cried. I shook. What now?

There is a tugging at my heart....I believe God telling me that it is time to ACTUALLY, TRUELY forgive and maybe even ask for forgiveness. To his sister. I don't know, I am comfortable in my bitterness. But that is what Jesus wants to conquer, right?

Help me Jesus. Help his sister and momma. His friends. My head truely hurts.

Our New Table

Finally, we have a new "everyday" table where we can all sit comfortably. This quest has been going on for some time, and it finally arrived TODAY!
Tonight the girls each invited a friend to come and spend the night. This is our first spend the night "party" with the girls from this class. We have had a NON STOP evening. Movies, games, dance time, joke time, a little whinning (mostly from mine) and A LOT OF JUNK FOOD! I took a picture of these sweet new friends and Gracie and Camille gathered around our new table right before we ate. Just think- it is the tables 1st picture. What else will that table support? How many new faces? How many serious conversations? Homework. Arts and crafts. Spilled milk. I know that every memory will not be a silly as tonights. With giggling, goofy girls. But I will cherish this one with all of my heart.....
......it is a pleasure to pray over my girls every night. Tonight I got to add 2 new little faces to that prayer. Thank you God, for direct access to you. Thank you that you hear me. Please Father, surround this home, this family, these friends, with your angels.
Sitting in this room, the new table right behind me, in the QUIET, I miss the giggles. What a preciously hard time this is. Grace W couldn't fall asleep so I just finished scratching her back....I am thankful she wanted to stay, instead of calling mom and dad. How I pray our home will always be that for these girls. A safe place, full of life and love. That I will be a mom that is strict when she needs to be, but will roll up my sleeves, dig in the dirt and laugh when I can. That they all want to be here....and that they will all sit around this table for MANY years to come.
Brooke took 5 steps today. on his own. Just moved. He was so proud! Oh Father, I pray you will guide his every step.

Happy Feet!

Today I went to our church where my friend Jennifer hosted a "girls morning out" for some girls from our local girls home. They ranged in age from 12ish - 18. Really, any of them could be my daughter. Any one of them could be me for that matter. Each one is beautiful, yet hard. Their eyes tell a million nightmares in one glance.
I just left Gracie and Camille reading in their sleeping bags on the floor by my bed...we are having a slumber party! We watched a movie (Happy Feet - so cute!) and had cereal for dinner and now a slumber party. The girls I met today probably have never had that with their mom. Never piled in a chair with their mom and sister (and a cat!) to watch a sweet, child friendly movie. Never had their mom listen as they talked on and on about why kids in the class had to move their card to yellow.
Some days I get so tired of these stories. So desperate for big people time. But I praise God that He made me a mother that craves a relationship with my kids, a mother who cares if they are clean and fed, a mother who prays over them EVERY night before I go to sleep, a mother who wants more than anything for them to know Jesus at an early age. Motherhood is so so hard. But daughterhood, without motherhood, is completely brutal. Thank you God, for my mom and how she still lets me need her even though I'm all grown up. Well, some may argue the grown up stage!
As far as blogging....it is weird. I feel like I am emailing my friends. I have found out that my "voice" is different than it is in my journal. strange. I am still journaling some, just not willing to open it up here on the internet- even though this blog is just for me!
Thank you God for my precious family. For my sweet little boy and my beautiful little girls. And certainly for Bill. You are so good.

YOU'RE FIRED!!!

Last night, Camille asked to play Webkins, for the 100th time, I might add, and I said "no." I was NOT prepared for the complete fit that followed! She jumped up, turned to me and screamed, "You're fired! Daddy's fired, Gracie is fired and Brooke is fired!" Then she ran out of the room. Before she reached the hall, she turned around and yelled..."well. Brooke's not fired, but everyone else is!"
I know. I know. She sounds like a complete spoiled brat and major discipline was needed.....and that did come. Believe me! But in that moment, I could think of nothing funnier than what I had just heard! My 7yr old had just fired me! Gracie and I did steal a glance and a giggle....I just couldn't help it. How are we to discipline when their "sins" are so hilarious?
Does God ever just giggle at our mistakes down here before he teaches us the lesson? I know Camille knew that trouble was coming.....she sat in her closet and waited. When I really mess up, and I know God is unhappy, I wait in my closet too. Camille and I are not that different!

It's a New Day!

It is a new day for our amazing country and a new day for me......I am finally bogging! I'm the last of all my "journaling" friends, and I have TOTAL stage fright! I am looking at this blank canvas with a heart just bursting with stories about my 3 precious children, a heart full of love for my Lord and family, and a heart that knows I am a total mess! Whew. Did I really just put that out there? Where do I even begin?