Daring to love.....

Is it normal that I keep looking back to myself 20yrs ago, like a little friend in my brain? If I do somehting great, I think "well, look at you! Who knew?" If I flop, and find myself in my awesome life cryin on the kitchen floor, I think, "well, RFM, look at your Homecoming Queen! She is a total wreck."

My life. amazing. My children. amazing. Not saying it's not. I just feel like I'm living out a lifetime movie half of the time! DADGUM! Friends have died. Friends and family members are sick. Marriages are crunbling. Mine ain't winning an award of excellence anytime soon. It is so hard to be a wife. It truely is. Especially to Bill. whew. He is a HANDFULL!

My kiddos are HIGH ACTION. It's great. It is fun, it is far from perfection at my house.....but the prob is, Bill wants perfection. So, as I watch him discipline my girls FOR EVERYTHING, I watch the way he looks at them as he does it. It is brutal. He is stripping them of self worth day by day. Man, the demons in his head- that he can be so unhappy because laundry is on the floor.

I do not think Im the only voice in this arena.....I've got to figure out how to deal with him so he can FILL hearts instead of DUMP hearts. I believe I am going to start the love dare tomorrow. Oh, I don't want to. But, I feel God calling me to take the first step.....again.

Isn't that how God must feel about me?

I constantly see the lack of God in my girls.....even though they accepted Jesus 2 weeks ago....PRAISE YOU FATHER! I know, we can all see the lack of God in everyone, including ourselves. But for us Moms, I think it is magnified. Watching my 7yr old daughters PRIMP for the "cute" boys in thier classes. Or hearing them sing with that "sexy" sound. Or watching them tear each other apart, then turning and sassing at me so bad I mistake them for me at age 16....it just makes me so sad. So sad that I can not fix them. That mistakes Bill and I are making are forming 2 new humans. I just want to love them like crazy. Offer lots of sweet, fun memories. Teach them. Mold them. Not DESTROY them, so that they end up in therapy at 21, wandering why people ever get married. ugh. It is just so much bigger than me. God, PLEASE guide me and guide them.....I am not worthy of mothering your children....not on my own. I so need you God.

So, I think the voice of my posts for a while will be from a wife doing the love dare, secretely on her husband. Even though tonight I want to punch him in the face!