Day 3....Love is not selfish.....

I had to take the weekend off bec I was out of town. So Monday started with Love is not selfish....and I let it carry on into Tuesday. It is really funny. Tues was Bill's bday. I woke up at 5:30am to excercise....this ungodly hour bec I never want to have to ask Bill to come home to watch kids so I can go....as well as....if I don't go, I will blow up! Anyway, I am ALWAYS very quiet. But this am I apparantly woke Bill up, and then as soon as I left, the kids got up, so he got no "sleep in." I didn't realize this until later in the morning.
When I got home at 6:30, I heard the baby, so I quickly went and got him. I heard the girls so I told them to keep it down. I felt so proud that I had gotten everyone quieted down so that Bill could sleep in on his bday. When we got him up at 7:20, we had decorated, made him a small little bfast and just loved all over him. He seemed fine.
Then I returned home from taking the girls to school.
He let me have it. Clapped "at" me saying, "thanks. I would have thought this would be a special morning because it was my bday." He complained and complained. And dadgum, this stupid dare required me to just "be quiet." It is so hard to do this on someone of such UNBELIEVABLE selfishness.
Oh, I know I have my selfish motives too. I know, I know. Not perfect. All that stuff. But how do I do this? He is miserable MOST of the time. He desires the opposite of what I desire. We are at a point of complete opposites.
I so want peace. For him. For me. FOR US. For our kids. IT IS NOT HERE. Everyone of us is walking on egg shells. It is hard to ALWAYS have a nervous stomach.
Todays dare requires me to ask him what are 3 things that irratate him about me. ugh. He will NOT spare feelings, I feel certain. God, please give me STRENGTH to hear his words with GRACE...

DAY TWO...Do something kind

Ok, the book says to do something kind ON TOP OF being nice!

My actS of kindness were, letting him sleep in and bringing the trash cans back in from the street. He noticed the sleep in (bec he knew he didn't deserve it!) and then in a moment of weakness, I pointed out the trash. Could'nt help it.

I had ample opportunity to keep my negative comments at bay, and it is really hard. ESPECIALLY when it is HIS selfishness that brings all that up in me.

I went to chicago for the weekend with Charyl and Sarah.....had a blast. Now back to the dare.

CAR

Brooke's first official word. CAR. He says it, then hums the car sound. If he wants to go somewhere, he says car. When I wake him from his afternoon nap, he says car....poor guy, so used to being jerked out of bed to go do something with the girls.

He is a maniac. Everywhere. But the biggest blue eyes and happiest smile in town. He, like his sisters, ROCKS!

DAY ONE....BE NICE

Be nice? Say only nice things to your spouse....well. It makes me laugh seeing that I haven't seen him all day. It is 8:42pm, he is still not home. Fishing with coworker. Then dinner. Which he led me to believe wasn't happening (the dinner part). so, you can imagine how hard it was to hold my tongue to that boy when he called AT dinner time to tell me he wasn't going to be home. I MEAN HARD. I kept having to remind myself of this little dare. This ain't going to be easy.

God, close my mouth when he comes home. EVEN THOUGH HE DESERVES TO HAVE HIS HEAD RIPPED OFF!

Oh yes Father, I am looking for your miracle in this.

Praise you that mom is okay. The spot is nonspreading melanoma. PRAISE YOU JESUS.

If I can make it through this night not freaking out, then I will be interested in tomorrows dare. hmmm

Daring to love.....

Is it normal that I keep looking back to myself 20yrs ago, like a little friend in my brain? If I do somehting great, I think "well, look at you! Who knew?" If I flop, and find myself in my awesome life cryin on the kitchen floor, I think, "well, RFM, look at your Homecoming Queen! She is a total wreck."

My life. amazing. My children. amazing. Not saying it's not. I just feel like I'm living out a lifetime movie half of the time! DADGUM! Friends have died. Friends and family members are sick. Marriages are crunbling. Mine ain't winning an award of excellence anytime soon. It is so hard to be a wife. It truely is. Especially to Bill. whew. He is a HANDFULL!

My kiddos are HIGH ACTION. It's great. It is fun, it is far from perfection at my house.....but the prob is, Bill wants perfection. So, as I watch him discipline my girls FOR EVERYTHING, I watch the way he looks at them as he does it. It is brutal. He is stripping them of self worth day by day. Man, the demons in his head- that he can be so unhappy because laundry is on the floor.

I do not think Im the only voice in this arena.....I've got to figure out how to deal with him so he can FILL hearts instead of DUMP hearts. I believe I am going to start the love dare tomorrow. Oh, I don't want to. But, I feel God calling me to take the first step.....again.

Isn't that how God must feel about me?

I constantly see the lack of God in my girls.....even though they accepted Jesus 2 weeks ago....PRAISE YOU FATHER! I know, we can all see the lack of God in everyone, including ourselves. But for us Moms, I think it is magnified. Watching my 7yr old daughters PRIMP for the "cute" boys in thier classes. Or hearing them sing with that "sexy" sound. Or watching them tear each other apart, then turning and sassing at me so bad I mistake them for me at age 16....it just makes me so sad. So sad that I can not fix them. That mistakes Bill and I are making are forming 2 new humans. I just want to love them like crazy. Offer lots of sweet, fun memories. Teach them. Mold them. Not DESTROY them, so that they end up in therapy at 21, wandering why people ever get married. ugh. It is just so much bigger than me. God, PLEASE guide me and guide them.....I am not worthy of mothering your children....not on my own. I so need you God.

So, I think the voice of my posts for a while will be from a wife doing the love dare, secretely on her husband. Even though tonight I want to punch him in the face!

Dark Clouds

My stomach hurts. My heart is heavy. My brain is foggy.

Mom has a melanoma spot on her shoulder....she feels as though it is contained, but getting info from her is like pulling teeth. She is trying to protect me, I know. But I need facts.

Melanoma. MelaFRICKINnoma. What a HORRIBLE word.
God, I pray for it to be nothing. To be over and done with. Something to be removed, and then we move on. Please God, not my Mom. Not yet. Not now. I beg you, Father, that it is, as the Dr. says, "contained."

Sweeney- going back and forth to MD ANDERSON in TX for surgery, then treatment, far away from home. I so wish MD ANDERSON was in ATL- so we could love on Cabell. How do we love her right now Lord? It makes me so nuts that I have run out of words for her. I am at a loss. ugh. OH GOD! PLEASE HEAL HIM.

Friend in REHAB- enough said.

God, I lift all these burdens up to you. PLEASE Lord, let them ALL be healed.